Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love...

i'd say after an entire semester and half of a summer of complete and utter failure, it's time to start again, wouldn't you agree?

my friend em and i have decided to go for 30 pounds by her birthday, which is march 23rd.  this would truly make my life happy.  after a semester of potential boys always ditching me for someone skinnier, i'm fucking sick of being the fatass i am.

any words of encouragement would be incredibly appreciated... i really need them.  although, i never update this, so who knows if anyone even reads it anymore...

I JUST FUCKING WROTE AN ENTIRE RANT ENTRY AND IT GOT FUCKING DELETED. THIS HAS BEEN SUCH AN AWFUL DAY AND I HATE THIS AND I JUST WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE BECAUSE THEN I WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING OR THINK ABOUT ANDY, WHO IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR MY HORRIBLE DAY.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.


GREAT. NOW I'M CRYING AND I'M SUPPOSED TO GO SEE HARRY POTTER IN A HALF HOUR.  I NEED TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER.

fuckfuckfuckfuck

so what if i fucked up again today?

i willl do better.  i will beat this.  i will be thin.

i have to...

so, i'm awful at updating this... but i'm really going to try!

i'm starting fresh as of today, and so far i'm at 295 calories.

problem: i'm going to dinner with my family. i'll attempt a salad, maybe with some chicken and some light dressing.

let's see how it goes!

okay... let's see the damage....
breakfast: yeahhh right
lunch: fruit and yogurt: 130
dinner: chicken, zucchini, salad, applesauce: 242
snacks throughout the day (i was bad): popcorn, cheerios, 2 apples: 472
total: 844
okayy.... so worse than yesterday, yes.... but not that bad! i didn't go over 1000...... let's just hope i eat no more tonight!
also, rumor has it that you burn more calories digesting an apple than are actually in apples, so, maybe the 162 from eating those don't actually count? oh well... i can live with 844...

okayy.... as of earlier i was at 410.... lets see the damage...
410
more carrots: 30
late night bread w. healthy choice ham: 110
grand total........



























550 yess !!

Breakfast: None
Lunch: salad w. ff itl dressing and grapes: 100 cal
Snack: carrots: 30 cal
Dinner: grilled chicken, peas, 1/8 pear, applesauce, salad w. ff itl dressing: 280 cal
Total: 410 cal
so far, so good... i have a meeting in 15 minutes, so hopefully, i can just sustain until then!! yayy !

okay.... so this weekend was just disasterous! okay, tomorrow, back to work! i can't keep doing this to myself!!!!!! STOP FUCKING EATING YOU FUCKING FAT-ASS !!!

ahhh !! i was sooooo good today! all that i ate was the amount listed in the last entry and one light beer. fuck! then i fucking came back to the dorm and everyone fucking is hanging out. so, i hang out too. and i'm munching on saltine crackers. which was okay since i was low today. well, then, i got to my room and ate a banana, and seriously like 10 of my roommate's cookies!!! i had been so good! i got candy today, and i gave it all away. then i ruin it at 3:45 in the effing morning?!?!?! and, it wasn't even worth it. because now i feel sick and fat. damn it! i haaaate binge eating. fuck it all.

breakfast:none
lunch: yogurt and fruit: 120 calories
dinner: chicken, veggies, brown rice, applesauce, salad: 331
451 totall! that's good so far, hopefully i can maintain it!!

well.... yesterday didn't go as well as planned. i know, i totally suck! i was fine. i didn't even eat at the little shin-dig i went to. but, later on at night i just had this insatiable hunger, and i kept eating stuff. ahhhhh! so, i'm attempting to get back on track today. so far i had my 60 calorie yogurt and some fruit.... which makes total probably about 150 calories. i didn't do breakfast, so i salvaged those calories for maybe later tonight is i still have an issue. now, i just have to make it to my last class because i'll be going for dinner after that, which means that i have to make it until 3:45 without eating anything, and i'll be all set for dinner! which will probably consist of grilled chicken, veggies, and a salad with FF dressing. I'm still estimating the number of calories in chicken... does anyone know, if you're reading this, per oz. of plain grilled chicken??

So, I feel good about yesterday. I'm very proud of staying under 700 calories. Hopefully, today will be just as good, and i'll be able to stay on track even more. The only problem is I have a sorority "mocktail" night. Hopefully I won't eat enything there, and I'll be able to stick to it. This is my intended plan for today... similiar to yesterday.
Breakfast: Small banana 1/4 cup Honey Nut Cheerios: 137.5
Lunch: Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt: 60
If I'm hungry before dinner: Some sort of fruit or veggies: Less than 100
Dinner: 2 oz. grilled chicken, some sort of veggie and salad w/ FF dressing: 150
Total for the day: 447.5
If I can't control myself tonight, I'll give myself a max. of 150 cals to have there so that I'm still near 700.
Hopefully I can make it to the gym today.... if not, I'll just have to wait until tomorrow...

Breakfast: 1 medium banana: 150 cal.
Lunch: Dannon Light and Fit yogurt: 60 cal.
Snack: 1 cup honeydew: 65 cal.
Dinner: 2 oz. grilled chicken, 1/3 zucchini, salad with FF italian dressing, small apple: 250
Total for the day: 525
Possible Snack? 1 cup Honey Nut Cheerios: 137.5 cal
Overall Total: 662.5

This is my journal. I have an undiagnosed eating disorder. This is my journal so that I may join communities to discuss my problem with others, however, I don't write in here frequently, so as to keep my identity as under-wraps as possible.